The Art of Parley: Staying in the Conversation Until Movement Becomes Possible
On connection, acceptance, and committed action through the lens of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
We live in a society that places considerable value on progress, where identifying problems and finding solutions often seem more important than taking the time to understand what makes change difficult in the first place. This tendency is also apparent in conversations with people who feel stuck or are struggling to make important decisions. When someone describes a difficult situation, we naturally begin looking for explanations, exploring possibilities, and suggesting ways forward. Although these responses are often well-intentioned, our desire to help can sometimes prevent us from recognizing what the other person actually needs before meaningful change becomes possible.
Someone struggling with fear, uncertainty, grief, or an important life decision may already understand what would be helpful without feeling able to act on that understanding. Offering additional advice or emphasizing the importance of change can unintentionally increase the pressure they experience, particularly when they are already painfully aware of the distance between what they want and what they feel capable of doing. In these situations, what matters may be less about finding another solution and more about creating a conversation in which difficult experiences can be explored without immediately having to resolve them.
This requires a willingness to remain present with another person in the midst of uncertainty, while maintaining a sense of direction and the possibility of meaningful action. It is a way of engaging in conversation that combines patience with purpose, allowing understanding to develop without assuming that every difficulty must be resolved before someone can move forward.
Introducing Parley: From the Dutch Art of Palaveren to Meaningful Conversation
The concept of Parley, which I introduce here, draws its inspiration from the Dutch word palaveren, referring to extended conversation, deliberation, and negotiation. Although the word sometimes carries the connotation of talking at length without reaching a conclusion, I see something valuable in the willingness to remain engaged in conversation, particularly when people are struggling with uncertainty, conflicting emotions, or difficult decisions.
The English word parley, traditionally used to describe discussion or negotiation between people holding different positions, offers an accessible international expression for this idea. Building on the Dutch notion of palaveren, I introduce Parley as a relational concept that emphasizes the importance of remaining present with another person while maintaining a connection to meaningful change. Rather than viewing extended conversation as an end in itself, Parley recognizes that genuine understanding and purposeful action sometimes require us to stay with what is difficult before a meaningful direction can emerge.
I define Parley as the practice of staying in meaningful conversation long enough for understanding, acceptance, and purposeful action to become possible. This definition reflects my intention to connect the human experience of shared exploration with the principles of psychological flexibility found in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Parley is not presented as an established therapeutic method or a replacement for ACT, but as a concept through which I explore how connection, acceptance, and committed action can reinforce one another.
In this understanding, conversation becomes more than an exchange of perspectives or an attempt to solve problems. It becomes a shared process in which people can explore uncertainty without being pressured toward immediate solutions, while remaining attentive to the values and possibilities that may guide their next steps.
Parley as a Shared Exploration
At the heart of Parley is the willingness to take another person’s experience seriously without immediately attempting to remove doubt, overcome resistance, or introduce solutions. Rather than directing the conversation toward a predetermined outcome, we explore together what someone is experiencing, which thoughts and emotions influence their behavior, and why a desired change may feel so difficult to pursue. This requires genuine curiosity about the person’s situation and an openness to discovering that what initially appears to be resistance may reflect a complicated relationship between competing needs, personal values, and understandable fears.
Consider someone who has been unhappy at work for a considerable time but has not taken steps toward changing the situation. He recognizes that his current circumstances are exhausting, yet he can identify numerous reasons why change seems impossible. He fears losing financial security, doubts his own abilities, and feels responsible for meeting the expectations of others. A conversation focused exclusively on practical solutions may unintentionally increase his sense of pressure, because it confronts him once again with everything he believes he should be doing but cannot seem to accomplish.
Parley offers a different approach by allowing both people to explore how this internal struggle operates. His fear is acknowledged without automatically being treated as the deciding factor, while his reasons for remaining in the current situation are considered alongside the personal costs of avoiding change. Through this shared exploration, he may gradually develop a different perspective on his circumstances, recognizing that the presence of uncertainty does not necessarily eliminate his ability to make meaningful choices.
The value of Parley therefore lies not in the duration of the conversation but in the quality of the attention that people bring to it. By remaining engaged without prematurely forcing a conclusion, the conversation can develop a sense of direction that emerges from the person’s own understanding rather than from the expectations of someone trying to help.
The Connection Between Parley and ACT
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy places psychological flexibility at the center of meaningful change. Psychological flexibility refers to the ability to remain consciously aware of present experiences, make room for difficult thoughts and emotions, and choose actions that are consistent with personal values. Rather than assuming that psychological discomfort must first be eliminated, ACT recognizes that fear, uncertainty, sadness, and self-doubt are inevitable aspects of human experience and that our attempts to control or avoid them can sometimes restrict our freedom to act.
From this perspective, Parley aligns with the way ACT approaches change because it creates opportunities to explore how people relate to their internal experiences rather than focusing exclusively on changing those experiences. When someone believes that an important decision can only be made after achieving sufficient certainty, for example, the conversation can examine both the apparent benefits and the personal costs of continuing to wait. This exploration does not dismiss legitimate concerns or suggest that risks should be ignored, but it encourages a more flexible relationship with thoughts and emotions that might otherwise determine behavior automatically.
Parley can therefore be understood as a relational concept that complements ACT’s emphasis on psychological flexibility. While ACT provides a theoretical and practical framework for understanding how people can move toward valued directions despite discomfort, Parley emphasizes the quality of the interpersonal engagement through which this understanding may develop. The conversation becomes a place where acceptance, curiosity, and purposeful direction can coexist, allowing meaningful movement to emerge without requiring the immediate resolution of every difficulty.
Acceptance Requires Presence
Acceptance is a central process within ACT, although it is frequently misunderstood as resignation or passive tolerance of undesirable circumstances. In ACT, acceptance refers to the willingness to experience difficult internal events when attempts to suppress, control, or avoid them interfere with living according to personal values. It does not mean approving of everything that happens or abandoning the possibility of change, but rather developing a different relationship with experiences that cannot always be controlled.
Within Parley, this understanding of acceptance translates into a willingness to remain present when conversations become uncomfortable. When someone expresses sadness, uncertainty, or conflicting thoughts, there is no immediate requirement to reduce those feelings or provide reassurance. Instead, both people can explore what is happening and what these experiences may reveal about the person’s concerns, needs, and values. By allowing discomfort to be present without making its removal the primary objective, the conversation creates room for a broader understanding of the situation.
This approach also requires psychological flexibility from the person offering support. The desire to be helpful can gradually develop into a need to produce visible progress, particularly when someone repeatedly returns to the same concerns or seems unable to make a decision. Feelings of impatience, frustration, or uncertainty may arise, accompanied by thoughts about whether the conversation is accomplishing anything. Rather than automatically responding to these reactions by pushing for change, the listener can acknowledge their own discomfort while remaining attentive to what the other person needs.
In this sense, Parley becomes a shared exercise in psychological flexibility, in which both participants practice remaining present with uncertainty while maintaining an awareness of what matters. However, acceptance does not imply that conversations should continue without limits. Remaining engaged also requires recognizing when further discussion is no longer contributing to understanding or meaningful action, particularly when talking itself begins to function as a way of avoiding difficult choices.
When Talking Becomes a Way of Avoiding Action
Although extended conversation can provide valuable opportunities for reflection and understanding, it can also become a comfortable alternative to taking action. Someone may develop an increasingly sophisticated explanation of why change feels difficult while continuing to avoid the experiences that meaningful change would require. What initially created openness and insight may gradually become a familiar pattern that provides temporary relief without bringing the person closer to the life they want to live.
ACT encourages us to examine not only the content of thoughts and emotions but also the function of behavior. The relevant question is whether a particular response to discomfort helps someone move toward personal values or instead reinforces patterns of avoidance. This functional perspective is equally important when considering the role of conversation, because the same discussion can serve different purposes at different moments.
Repeatedly exploring why an important step feels frightening may initially help someone recognize patterns, develop self-understanding, and become more willing to experience uncertainty. At another point, however, returning to the same questions may primarily serve to postpone the discomfort associated with taking action. Parley requires sensitivity to this distinction, allowing both participants to consider whether the conversation continues to create possibilities or has become part of the difficulty itself.
The purpose of Parley is therefore not to achieve a complete intellectual understanding of every obstacle before acting. It is to create sufficient awareness, acceptance, and willingness for a meaningful step to become possible. This means that the conversation must remain connected to life beyond the immediate interaction, where personal values are ultimately expressed through choices and behavior rather than understanding alone.
Values Give Movement Direction
ACT emphasizes that meaningful change involves more than reducing psychological distress. It also requires discovering what matters and developing the willingness to act in accordance with personal values. Values describe the qualities we want to express through our behavior and the directions in which we want our lives to develop. Unlike specific goals, they do not represent destinations that can be permanently reached, but provide an ongoing orientation for making choices.
Consider someone who struggles to establish boundaries in relationships. Conversations about this difficulty may initially focus on fear of rejection, guilt, and the desire to maintain harmony by meeting other people’s expectations. Through Parley, however, the exploration can gradually shift toward the qualities the person wants to bring into relationships. They may discover that honesty, mutual respect, and self-respect are important values, while recognizing that their current behavior is primarily organized around avoiding conflict.
This realization introduces the possibility of approaching the situation differently. Rather than waiting until the fear of rejection disappears, the person can begin considering what it would mean to express those values while allowing discomfort to remain present. A meaningful first step might involve communicating a personal need, establishing a boundary, or initiating a conversation that has been postponed for a long time.
Such actions do not have to be dramatic to become significant. A relatively small behavioral change can provide a powerful experience of psychological flexibility, demonstrating that fear and uncertainty may be present without completely determining what someone does. Parley supports this process by connecting reflection with personal values and helping people recognize that meaningful action becomes possible through willingness rather than the achievement of complete emotional certainty.
Staying Together Without Taking Over
The idea of remaining in conversation until meaningful movement becomes possible raises an important question about personal autonomy. When people explore change together, there is always a delicate balance between providing support and unintentionally taking control of the direction in which another person moves. Someone offering support may recognize possibilities that the other person has not yet considered or feels unable to pursue, and the desire to be helpful can gradually lead to more direction than the situation requires.
From an ACT perspective, meaningful action must remain connected to the values and choices of the individual concerned. Although another person can help identify patterns, explore avoidance, and consider possible directions, responsibility for deciding what matters ultimately remains with the person whose life is involved. Parley therefore requires a combination of genuine engagement and respect for autonomy, allowing the conversation to be both supportive and challenging without turning into an attempt to determine the other person’s decisions.
This also means recognizing that a meaningful next step may differ from what either participant initially expected. Someone may decide not to make an immediate major change but instead develop a more conscious relationship with the consequences of remaining in the current situation. Another person may discover that an honest conversation is necessary before a larger decision can be made. In both cases, the significance of the movement lies in the person’s increasing ability to make deliberate choices that reflect personal values rather than simply meeting the expectations of others.
Parley is therefore not about persuading someone to move in a particular direction. It is about creating the relational conditions in which people can explore their possibilities, recognize their own responsibility, and discover what meaningful action looks like within the circumstances of their lives.
The Courage to Slow Down Without Losing Direction
Parley requires a form of patience that goes beyond simply waiting for something to happen. It involves an active willingness to remain attentive, curious, and engaged while continuing to recognize the importance of direction. Rather than assuming that slowing down represents a lack of progress, this approach acknowledges that meaningful change sometimes requires sufficient time to understand the experiences, concerns, and values that influence a person’s choices.
This willingness to slow down also requires an ability to tolerate uncertainty, because neither the process of change nor its outcome can be fully controlled. A meaningful step does not guarantee a desired result, and choosing to act according to personal values inevitably involves accepting that life remains unpredictable. Psychological flexibility becomes particularly important in these moments, allowing people to recognize uncertainty without treating it as a reason to abandon purposeful action.
In this sense, Parley is not opposed to goal-oriented work but offers a way of connecting purposeful direction with genuine human attention. By taking the time to explore what someone is experiencing, the conversation can support the emergence of actions that are not only intellectually reasonable but also personally meaningful. The challenge lies in recognizing when continued reflection contributes to this process and when taking action may offer more than another round of discussion.
This distinction requires ongoing sensitivity to the changing function of the conversation. A question that creates openness at one moment may produce pressure at another, while a discussion that initially helps someone develop understanding may eventually reinforce avoidance. Parley is therefore not a fixed conversational technique or a prescribed sequence of steps, but a way of engaging with others that continuously balances presence, acceptance, autonomy, and purposeful movement.
From Connection to Committed Action
Parley illustrates that meaningful change does not always begin with a clear solution or a concrete plan. Sometimes people need to spend time together exploring what feels difficult before they can develop a different relationship with their thoughts and emotions and reconnect with what genuinely matters. Through this process, conversation becomes more than an exchange of information or advice; it provides an opportunity for shared reflection in which understanding and direction can gradually develop.
ACT adds an essential perspective by emphasizing that the purpose of this exploration is not to eliminate fear, doubt, or uncertainty before moving forward. Instead, psychological flexibility allows people to make choices that reflect their values while recognizing that uncomfortable experiences will continue to be part of life. Meaningful movement becomes possible when someone discovers that complete emotional certainty is not a prerequisite for taking a step in a valued direction.
This is where Parley and ACT come together. The Dutch inspiration of palaveren emphasizes the willingness to remain in conversation, while the principles of ACT help maintain a connection between that conversation and meaningful action. Parley brings these elements into a relational perspective in which presence and direction reinforce one another, allowing people to explore difficulties without becoming permanently absorbed by them.
The central challenge is to remain engaged for as long as the conversation serves a meaningful purpose while recognizing when the time has come to move from reflection toward action. This transition cannot simply be imposed by one person on another, because meaningful change requires personal ownership. Instead, it develops through a shared exploration in which the individual gradually becomes more able to recognize possibilities and take responsibility for a next step.
The Art of Parley
The art of Parley lies in the courage to remain together with what is difficult without becoming stuck there. It involves taking the time necessary to understand what matters, acknowledging the thoughts and emotions that make change challenging, and maintaining an openness to the possibilities that emerge through genuine conversation. Neither person determines when the other must move, because the purpose of the interaction is not to produce compliance or accelerate progress according to someone else’s expectations. Rather, the conversation creates space in which a person can develop the awareness, willingness, and personal responsibility needed to choose a meaningful direction.
In this way, Parley represents more than the simple act of talking things through. Inspired by the Dutch notion of palaveren and informed by the psychological principles of ACT, it offers a way of understanding conversation as a bridge between human connection and committed action. Its value lies not in how long people remain engaged, but in whether their engagement helps them relate more flexibly to difficult experiences and move toward what they consider important.
Ultimately, meaningful change does not always need to be forced, accelerated, or preceded by the disappearance of discomfort. It can emerge through attention, acceptance, and connection, supported by the willingness to remain present with uncertainty while continuing to act in accordance with personal values. Parley reminds us that we do not have to resolve everything before moving forward, but that sometimes we need to remain in conversation long enough to discover what moving forward could mean.
Photo credit: AvO: Matthew Monahan – Solaris, Museum De Pont, Tilburg.