When someone comes to you with a problem, a response often springs to mind almost immediately: “Do you know what you should do?”

It is well-intentioned, of course. But is giving advice really the best way to help someone?

Often, it isn’t.

What seems like an obvious solution to you may not be right for someone else. It can be far more powerful to help people arrive at their own solution.

In Mag ik je geen advies geven? In 6 stappen van probleem naar oplossing met de methode coachende gespreksvoering (May I Not Give You Advice? From Problem to Solution in Six Steps Using the Coaching Conversation Method), Huub Buijssen explains how to do just that. He developed the coaching conversation method for situations in which someone is struggling with the question: “What should I do?”

The method consists of six steps.

See the situation through the other person’s eyes

We are often quick to think we know what is best for someone else. But we can never fully know what another person feels, thinks, or considers important.

That is why advice often says at least as much about the person giving it as it does about the person receiving it.

Instead of immediately offering a solution, first try to truly understand the other person. Ask questions, listen carefully, and give them the space to tell their story.

That alone can make a difference. Putting an experience into words can help someone see their situation differently. As they talk, they may begin to understand more clearly what is really going on.

Help define the problem clearly

The next step is to work together towards a short, clear description of the problem.

The key is that it remains the other person’s definition of the problem. It is not about your interpretation of what is happening.

The more clearly a problem can be defined, the easier it often becomes to see possible solutions. Sometimes, simply finding the right words for the problem can create the first breakthrough.

Make room for emotions

Problems and difficult decisions often come with strong emotions. Sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, or uncertainty can become so overwhelming that rational thinking is difficult.

When that happens, immediately searching for solutions is rarely useful.

First, give the person an opportunity to express what they are feeling. But listening alone is not enough: acknowledge what you hear. When people feel that their emotions are being taken seriously, those emotions can begin to lose some of their intensity.

Only then is there room to think about what comes next.

Explore the preferred solution

Now it is time to turn towards possible solutions. But once again, your solution is not the point.

Ask the other person what their ideal outcome would be.

At this stage, it does not even have to be realistic or immediately achievable. The aim is to discover what the person genuinely wants. That provides direction and reveals the needs and priorities underlying the problem.

Test what is realistic

The next step is to explore how feasible that preferred solution actually is.

Again, resist the temptation to do the thinking for the other person. Help them examine the possibilities and limitations themselves.

What is achievable? What isn’t? What could be adjusted? What alternatives might work?

In this way, an ideal solution can gradually develop into one that is both meaningful and workable.

Turn words into action

Finding a solution is one thing. Acting on it is another.

That is why the final step focuses on action. What, specifically, is the person going to do? What will be the first step? And when will they take it?

Ultimately, the responsibility remains with them. You can offer support, ask questions, and help create clarity, but you cannot take that decisive step on someone else’s behalf.

Sometimes no advice is the best advice

Helping someone does not necessarily mean telling them what to do.

In fact, by setting your own solution aside, you may be able to help them far more effectively. You give them the space to understand their situation, process their emotions, explore their options, and ultimately make their own choice.

That requires something different from giving good advice. It requires listening, asking thoughtful questions, and trusting in the other person’s ability to find their own way forward.

Can you resist giving advice—and instead help someone find their own answer?

Photo credit: AvO